I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
