he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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