it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
