You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
