Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
drinking out of a sandbucket again
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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