I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So vagazzling was a success
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
