Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
