saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
