god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
