Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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