you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
