Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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