Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
