she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
