my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
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It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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