When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
