You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
