i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
