I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
