I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
