My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
