Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
