I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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