is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
