i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
