I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
3 2 1 whiskey
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
