All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
