so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
