GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
