thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
