If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
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