I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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