It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
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I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
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Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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