I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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