Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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