im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
