You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
