A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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