2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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