well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
