i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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