I heard we made out
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
