Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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