New invention idea: vibrating tampons
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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