Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
