The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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