Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
