My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i drank out of a bidet.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
