I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
