Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
