Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
