I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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