hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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