Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
