Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I need a beard to bite.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
