she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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