Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
