I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
