1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
