Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
