How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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