I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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