I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
