Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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